Quantas gripe sheets.

[a4l]

I got this in an email and laughed myself silly and thought Rusty, especially, would love this one.

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, &
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots & the
solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is
the only major airline that has never had an accident.

----------------------------------------
("P"= The problem logged by the pilot.)
("S"= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
**********************************

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
----------------------------------------

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
----------------------------------------

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
----------------------------------------

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
----------------------------------------

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
----------------------------------------
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
----------------------------------------
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
----------------------------------------
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
----------------------------------------

P: IFF inoperative..
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
----------------------------------------

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
----------------------------------------

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
----------------------------------------

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.
----------------------------------------

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
----------------------------------------

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
----------------------------------------

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[Iced Tea]

Those are great. Sounds like the mechanics work in a real laid back, fun place.

[Rusty]

Those are some real good ones.

Actually quite a few of them can be atributed to the Military, the one that sticks out is the IFF snag, IFF stands for Identify Friend or Foe, it used to send out a signal to the other fighters and such in the area to alert them so that they can easily be identified, hence the name.

I always liked where the tech put down "Stick Actuator replaced, Aircraft servicable" Stick Actuator = Pilot!