Ye Old Joke Thread. [Archive] - Hockey Station Forums

slapshot™

5-15-05, 12:14 AM

Here's one that I still get a kick outta....

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

<LI>1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

<LI>2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

<LI>3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

<LI>A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

<LI>B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

Max Power

5-17-05, 2:00 PM

Not sure if I've already posted this

Ultimate beer comercial

http://www.hawt.net/viewvideo.php?id=256

goaliemom7687

5-17-05, 2:45 PM

A first grade teacher, Mrs. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered"I am too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third grade too."

Mrs. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principle's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principle what the situation was. The principle told Mrs. Brooks that he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he would go back to the first grade and behave himself. Mrs. Brooks agreed.

Harry was brought in to the principles office and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principle:"What is 3x3?"
Harry:"9"
Principle:"What is 6x6?"
Harry:"36"
And so it went with every question the principle thought a third grader should know.
Principle:"I think Harry should go to the third grade."
Mrs. Brooks said to the principle"Let me ask him some questions."
The principle and Harry both agreed.

Mrs Brooks:"What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?"
Harry, after a moment"Legs".
Mrs. Brooks:"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principle wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry:"Pockets".
Mrs. Brooks"What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry:"Pants."
Mrs. Brooks"What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy and oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry:"Coconut."
The principle sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Mrs. Brooks:"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principle's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Harry:"Bubble gum."
Mrs. Brooks:"What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog do with three legs?"
Harry:"Shake hands."
The principle was trembling.
Mrs. Brooks:"What word starts with an'F', ends with a 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry:"Firetruck."
The principle breathed a big sigh of relief and told the teacher,"Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got 7 answers wrong!!

Thank-you A4L!!!!

KB in Kelowna

5-21-05, 11:54 PM

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as
few words as possible. The instructions were that the short story had
to contain the following three things:
(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery.
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.

Below is the A+ short story:

Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?

a4l

5-22-05, 8:36 PM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with
a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

http://perso.wanadoo.fr/atil/forum/haha4.gif

slapshot™

5-22-05, 11:03 PM

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

:rollover:

Max Power

5-25-05, 11:41 AM

Drunk?

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/drunkinterview.html

Max Power

5-27-05, 2:33 PM

This is for you Matt... Or should I say Margarine Man or Lord Matt or Mr. Flatulent

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/fartboard.html

KB in Kelowna

5-30-05, 11:14 PM

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,
"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

slapshot™

5-31-05, 1:55 AM

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Mel

5-31-05, 9:13 AM

This is for you Matt... Or should I say Margarine Man or Lord Matt or Mr. Flatulent

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/fartboard.html
LOL - I still prefer my number one spot on the web for flatulence... http://www.dotfart.com/ :nod:

Amoroq

5-31-05, 9:19 AM

LOL - I still prefer my number one spot on the web for flatulence... http://www.dotfart.com/ :nod:I think bagpipe is the creator of Bronx Rear

:laughing:

nhldave

5-31-05, 11:31 AM

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Max Power

5-31-05, 1:40 PM

LOL - I still prefer my number one spot on the web for flatulence... http://www.dotfart.com/ :nod:

Yah I just love the background music =]

If you're still looking to change your name how about Captain Doo-Doo
http://www.supercalafragalistic.com/episode2.htm
=]

Mel

5-31-05, 1:57 PM

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store.

When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around by the leash.

Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.

The blind man replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

Mel

5-31-05, 3:23 PM

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "

He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

a4l

6-03-05, 12:22 AM

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So nds a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

nhldave

6-05-05, 1:30 PM

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to
a river and sees another blonde on the opposite
bank.

"Yahoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other
side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river then shouts back, "You are on the other
side."

Mel

6-05-05, 1:49 PM

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.

She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and a part of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine?"

Mel

6-05-05, 1:50 PM

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He asked her why she was going.

She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."

He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.

His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"

"I''m going too!" he replied.

"Why?" she asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"

KB in Kelowna

6-05-05, 5:45 PM

Mel

6-05-05, 5:48 PM

Yeah I got those jokes from Comedy Central's web site... so they make sound familiar :clown:

grim

6-05-05, 9:30 PM

Can t-shirts and bumper stickers be considered as jokes?

http://www.tshirthell.com/shirts/products/a320/a320_d_34.jpg

nhldave

6-07-05, 9:12 PM

An elderley couple went to the doctor for his annual checkup. After some routine tests the doctor said to the man "everything looks good so far, now I'll need a sample of your urine, stool and semen."

The man, being a little deaf turned to his wife and said, "what did he say?". His wife replied, "give him your underwear".
_________________

KB in Kelowna

6-08-05, 9:37 PM

Jeff Foxworthy, a comic from the southern United States, on
Alberta:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling
through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that
the food will swim by, you might live in Alberta.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96
nights each year because Oyen is the coldest spot in the
nation, you might live in Alberta.

If you're local Dairy Queen is closed from September through
May, you might live in Alberta.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of
the year, you might live in Alberta.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle
of his forehead, you might live in Alberta.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might
live in Alberta.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone
who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Alberta.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE ALBERTAN:

1. "Vacation" means going south past Calgary for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.... and
back again.
5. You can drive 100 kmph through 2 feet of snow during a
raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit.
7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled with snow.
8. You know all 4 seasons almost winter, winter, still winter
and road construction.
9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next
to your blue spruce.
10. "Down South" to you means Lethbridge.
11. Your Canada Day picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
14. You actually understand these jokes

slapshot™

6-08-05, 11:16 PM

Jeff Foxworthy on
Alberta:

*LMAO*

So true! (ALL of them)

KeithM

6-09-05, 12:43 AM

Hahaha Awesome post KB

BURY

6-09-05, 2:30 AM

- I don't get it

- It's a joke ...

- Ohhhh now I get it !

slapshot™

6-22-05, 12:25 AM

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Diana.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Diana to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her; Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do to be one of my strong points.

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for her self, she may as well make one for me too, then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Diana. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly Thursday. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Diana was arrested, but the Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it and she was released on Friday.

a4l

6-22-05, 6:33 AM

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to ration ally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient , I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead. "

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Max Power

6-27-05, 4:07 PM

This is pretty funny
The dog in it looks just like mine when it was around 1
http://www.zippyvideos.com/146739090505545.html

Bob burns

6-27-05, 11:26 PM

These are pretty funny, I have to admit. Enjoy:

Top Ten Reasons Why Canada can not join USA in the War on Iraq

10. We have no way of getting there.
9. We are too busy at home with the Maple Syrup Season.
8. Iraqis don't drink Labatts beer.
7. Saddam's name pronounced backwards is "Mad Ass". We'll stay away from him.
6. There is only limited potential for sales of Canadian Bacon in Iraq after the war.
5. Celine Dion can't sing to the troops because she has a contract in Las Vegas
4. The Rivers in Iraq are too shallow for our War Canoes.
3. Lousy hockey in Iraq at this time of year
2. Our army is needed at home in case of another snow storm in Toronto.
1. Our Sea King Helicopter in need of repairs - it has cracks in it...

Max Power

6-29-05, 11:57 AM

Car for sale
http://www.zippyvideos.com/86738851518975.html
Oh yah baby

bluemeanie

6-29-05, 12:41 PM

Car for sale
http://www.zippyvideos.com/86738851518975.html
Oh yah baby

=]... that was my first car when I turned 16... for about four months. "Macho Maroon", was the colour I believe. Funny... I called the 'map light' the brewin' light. Yup... the old bod-mobile... still miss her. Tim know's where I'm coming from.

Max Power

6-29-05, 1:00 PM

=]... that was my first car when I turned 16... for about four months. "Macho Maroon", was the colour I believe. Funny... I called the 'map light' the brewin' light. Yup... the old bod-mobile... still miss her. Tim know's where I'm coming from.

Yah I bet you loved the bench seat option too
http://images-eu.amazon.com/images/P/B0002XMEA4.02.MZZZZZZZ.jpg

Max Power

6-30-05, 1:47 PM

DEAR INFIDEL RECEIVER:
You have just received a Taliban virus. Since we are not
technologically advanced in Afghanistan, this is a MANUAL virus.
Please delete all of the files on your hard drive yourself, and
send this e-mail to everyone you know.
Thank you very much for helping me in my efforts to destroy western
civilization.
Allah be praised,

Mullah Mujaffa, Taliban IT Manager

Max Power

7-06-05, 11:02 AM

Dumb but still funny

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so ... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not
going to like.

MEN'S ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you
within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Max Power

7-13-05, 4:27 PM

http://www.pablofrancisco.com/video/tonight_show_standup.wmv

Max Power

7-14-05, 2:47 PM

Ahh yes please pimp my bride
http://www.zippyvideos.com/175646506624275.html

Max Power

7-15-05, 1:35 PM

he he
http://www.zippyvideos.com/29574184631275.html

KB in Kelowna

7-19-05, 8:47 PM

A man and his wife had been debating the purchase of a new
auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast
little sports car so she could zip through traffic around
town.

He would have settled on a used truck, but everything she
seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You
could surprise me!"

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Assault charges are pending.

butterfly_style

7-20-05, 8:00 AM

Assault charges are pending.
Yeah . . .but did a flap ensue ?

Max Power

7-21-05, 10:02 AM

Don't think I've posted this one?
I love this commercial
http://www.zippyvideos.com/159099876674365.html

slapshot™

7-21-05, 10:53 AM

Don't think I've posted this one?
I love this commercial
http://www.zippyvideos.com/159099876674365.html

Hahahaha!!! That's good. I have 3 other bud light commercials that are just as good. If you're interested, pm me your e-mail addy and I'll send them to you.

Max Power

7-21-05, 11:15 AM

Hahahaha!!! That's good. I have 3 other bud light commercials that are just as good. If you're interested, pm me your e-mail addy and I'll send them to you.

here's a few more from the bud light collection... all very funny =]
http://www.zippyvideos.com/95927301674545.html
http://www.zippyvideos.com/67368594674585.html
http://www.zippyvideos.com/143381875674615.html

You can upload them here for free Slapy and share with all if you want
http://www.zippyvideos.com/

Iced Tea

7-24-05, 7:32 PM

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

Four

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs.

-------
Making an effort to help a "lonely" child

Anne began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Anne approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Anne noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Anne offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Anne then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!

Found them at http://www.smilies.com/

KB in Kelowna

7-24-05, 11:49 PM

How to tell the difference between Liberals, Conservatives and
Albertans

Answer: Pose the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,
raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you
are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and
your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him
that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife
think?
What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and
knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this
situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a
loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he
definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a
happier, healthier street, that would discourage such behavior. This is all so
confusing!I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to
come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer
BANG!

Albertan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.... (sounds of reloading)... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

bluemeanie

7-26-05, 4:08 PM

Movie...joke...movie...joke????

neither really, but still pretty cool...

http://www.balkan-division.com/download/basket.swf

butterfly_style

7-26-05, 4:13 PM

Yeesh, that could have been really disastrous.
As it is, the girl seemed to hit her head on something.

J.R.

7-26-05, 4:22 PM

Great Top Ten list last night from David Letterman.

Top Ten George W. Bush Solutions For Global Warming

10. NASA mission to turn down the sun's thermostat

9. Federal subsidies to boost production of Cool Ranch Doritos

8. Fast track Rumsfeld's "Colonize Neptune" proposal

7. Convene Blue-Ribbon Committee to explore innovative ways of ignoring the problem

6. Let Hillary worry about it when she takes over

5. I dunno---tax cuts for the rich?

4. Give the boys at Halliburton 90-billion dollar contract to patch hole in ozone

3. Switch to celsius so scorching 98 becomes frosty 37

2. Keep plenty of Bud on ice

1. Invade Antartica

Via: CBS.com (http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2005/ls_topten_archive_20050725.shtml).

bluemeanie

7-26-05, 4:33 PM

The husband of a wife who went out for a late night "girl's get together" filed for a divorce after he decided to inspect her car the next morning...

http://www.bossies.co.uk/Wifes-volvo.jpg

KB in Kelowna

7-28-05, 10:43 PM

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a
horrible sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is promptly
admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister and noting the severe
pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous
feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four
hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do
for him now, Doctor?"
"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

Max Power

8-08-05, 3:01 PM

This is old but well worth sharing
http://www.big-boys.com/articles/prankcall4.html
I love the guys reaction...Classic

a4l

8-13-05, 10:47 PM

The entrance opens. Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straigh for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

It begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water; panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

grim

8-15-05, 4:54 PM

Here is a pretty amusing website for those with free time and a desire to read about

Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About (http://www.mil-millington.com/)

Newfie John

8-15-05, 5:34 PM

Here is a pretty amusing website for those with free time and a desire to read about

Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About (http://www.mil-millington.com/)

Margret and I are going up a mountain, side by side, on a drag lift in Germany. The white noise of the snow under our skis is the only sound until Margret begins to speak.
Margret - 'This woman - "Hannah", is it? - what's she like?'
Mil - 'She seems OK.'
Margret - 'How old is she.'
Mil - 'About thirty, I think.'
Margret - 'What colour is her hair?'
Mil - 'Black.'
Margret - 'Does she smoke?'
Mil - 'Yes.'
Margret - 'YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER, DON'T YOU?'

I laughed out loud at that part. :laughing:

a4l

8-16-05, 12:35 AM

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly five hundred.

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.

7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

21 to flame the spell checkers.

49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.

69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.

106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."

6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"

3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

charlio lemieux

8-18-05, 2:34 PM

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

:laughing:

J.R.

8-19-05, 12:36 PM

http://www.dailyhog.com/Fox_BJ.htm

This is from the best news anchor in the business today.

It's just one of those things that makes him so unique. Shep's the man!

:thumb:

nhldave

8-19-05, 4:46 PM

http://www.dailyhog.com/Fox_BJ.htm

This is from the best news anchor in the business today.

It's just one of those things that makes him so unique. Shep's the man!

:thumb:

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

charlio lemieux

8-20-05, 10:50 PM

A man was sitting in an outdoor cafe in mexico, and he noticed across the street a local sleeping behind a donkey. As the man enjoyed his meal he watched several tourists walk up to the man and point to their wrist, asking the time. To the mans astonishment each time he was asked the local reached out and grabbed the donkey's testicles, lifted them up and promptly gave the tourist the time.

So after the man eats he walks across the street and asks the local the time. Sure enough the local reaches out, lifts up the donkeys testicles and says: " It is 2:25 senor."
The man looked at his watch and sure enough it was 2:25. Totally amazed the man asks the local: "Excuse me sir, but that is an amazing talent you have. Would you mind telling me how you can tell the time by lifting up the donkeys testicles?"

"Sure senor" The local reaches out and grabs the testicles, lifts them up and says:

"See that clock over there." :)

bluemeanie

8-23-05, 8:54 AM

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"
His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess
one day you would have to find out anyway! Well, you see,
your Mum and I first met at HockeyStation.com. Then I set up a
date via PM with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We snuck into a
secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button. Six weeks later
your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was
showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file
which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up
appeared and said:
'You've Got Male'!"

ohhh... isn't that cute?

Max Power

8-23-05, 1:17 PM

charlio lemieux

8-23-05, 2:26 PM

Old Butch
> >
> > John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose
job was to fertilize the eggs.
> >
> > The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had
a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.
> >
> > The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all!
> >
> > John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next
one.
> >
> > John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and
Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The
judges not only awarded Butch the"No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded
him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
> >
> >
> > Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards
on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing
them when they weren't paying attention?

a4l

8-23-05, 4:40 PM

KeithM

8-23-05, 8:25 PM

For john.

Newfie goes skydiving
A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready.

The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie.

The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

KB in Kelowna

8-24-05, 4:26 PM

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most
of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High
fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term
harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat
it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake".

butterfly_style

8-25-05, 10:21 AM

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake".

"Wedding Cake" the transformation food.
It turns a wonderful, funny, happy, intelligent woman into a bitter, cranky, nagging, boring old fart.

*butterfly looks over his shoulder and see Mrs. Styles standing right there*
No dear, I don't mean you. . . I just heard it could happen . . .I mean I read about it somewhere . . .Yes, I still think you're wonderful, funny, happy and intelligent . . . AND beautiful, yeah gorgeous!!

*butterfly leaves to buy some expensive jewelry, so he is able to keep his jewels . . .err remaining jewel*

bluemeanie

8-25-05, 10:32 AM

Good luck Styles....

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer.

Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women- stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.

**** Men- keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Men - Keep scrolling

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:

Women never listen

goaliemom7687

8-25-05, 11:01 AM

MEDICAL ALERT
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon
be available in liquid form and will be marketed by
Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a
mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can
no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and
just a good old fashioned "stiff drink" Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of....(Yep,
you guessed it), "MOUNT & DO." :coffee:

KB in Kelowna

8-25-05, 2:54 PM

This guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any
specials today?"
The bartender replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink
that was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mix of
Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka."
The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?" The bartender
responds,
We call it a Pabst Smir."

Iced Tea

8-25-05, 6:43 PM

CNN says (http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/08/25/music.sales.reut/index.html)
Hilary Duff has No. 1 album

Thursday, August 25, 2005; Posted: 3:54 p.m. EDT (19:54 GMT)

LOS ANGELES, California (Billboard) -- Teen pop star Hilary Duff topped the U.S. album charts Wednesday with a greatest hits collection culling tunes from her hefty catalog of two studio albums.

"Most Wanted" (Disney's Hollywood Records) sold 208,000 copies in the week ended August 21, according to Nielsen SoundScan, sending incumbent champ Staind's "Chapter V" (Elektra/Atlantic) to No. 7 with 76,000 units in its second week.

"Wanted" includes remastered and remixed versions of Duff hits like "So Yesterday" and "Metamorphosis," along with four new tracks, some of which the singer co-wrote with boyfriend Joel Madden of Good Charlotte.

Duff also topped the Billboard 200 with 2003's "Metamorphosis," which started with 204,000 units and has sold 3.7 million so far.
This has to be one of the funniest things I have ever heard. First, a real artist would wait more than two albums before putting out a greatest hits album. Two, Hilary Fluff can't sing or act. Three, teenagers today will buy any crap that is marketed to them.

The world is going to hell in a handbasket. :laughing:

slapshot™

8-25-05, 9:14 PM

CNN says (http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/08/25/music.sales.reut/index.html)

This has to be one of the funniest things I have ever heard. First, a real artist would wait more than two albums before putting out a greatest hits album. Two, Hilary Fluff can't sing or act. Three, teenagers today will buy any crap that is marketed to them.

The world is going to hell in a handbasket. :laughing:

The same can be said of the bubble-gummers from the '70's or '80's too, Craig. It's just another generation of kids being marketed to.

Amoroq

8-25-05, 9:24 PM

I'm still waiting for the very best of Vanilla Ice and Milli Vanilli. :(

Oh never mind found it

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0000047IZ.01._SCMZZZZZZZ_.jpg

KB in Kelowna

8-31-05, 12:18 PM

For all you Catholics out there:
The CEO of Purdue Chicken manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope
at the Vatican. After receiving the Papal blessing, he whispers, "Your
holiness, we have an offer for you. Purdue is prepared to donate $100 million
dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day
our daily bread' to, 'give us this day our daily chicken.'

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed.

"Well," says the Purdue man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we
require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily
bread to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Again, the Pope replies,
"That, my son is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must
not be changed."

Finally, the Purdue guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Purdue respect
your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will
donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'
Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is
some good news," he announces, "and some bad news." "The good news is that
the Church will come into $500 million dollars."

?And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"..We're losing the Pilsbury Account."

nhldave

8-31-05, 10:26 PM

For all you Catholics out there:
The CEO of Purdue Chicken manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope
at the Vatican.......
"..We're losing the Pilsbury Account."

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :thumb:

nhldave

9-04-05, 4:12 PM

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges !
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger
Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Iced Tea

9-05-05, 10:22 PM

I read this on a different forum. Click on the link for Albert Pujols (http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/players/profile?statsId=6619) on ESPN. Then check the "Pronounced" at the bottom of the list next to his picture. :laughing:

KB in Kelowna

9-05-05, 10:55 PM

a4l

9-06-05, 12:16 AM

I join KB in laughing. That is too funny.

J.R.

9-07-05, 9:58 PM

From an email I received this morning.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LOLing at yourself.
>>----------------------------------------------------------------------

charlio lemieux

9-07-05, 10:16 PM

LOL How true. :roll: :roll: :roll:

bluemeanie

9-08-05, 2:57 PM

Max Power

9-12-05, 1:29 PM

Good safe sex commercial
http://www.big-boys.com/articles/safesex.html

a4l

9-12-05, 6:44 PM

For 11 mill a season, I could live with the name calling...

I've been called worse for free.;)

KB in Kelowna

9-14-05, 10:09 PM

President" Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy. "No," said Bush, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to
smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush.
"That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either".

charlio lemieux

9-18-05, 1:25 AM

Priceless (http://www.killsometime.com/video/video.asp?ID=183)

slapshot™

9-21-05, 11:51 AM

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/032105/my-other-tshirt.gif

;-]

charlio lemieux

9-21-05, 10:38 PM

I'll bet he only does that once!

ouch! (http://www.davesdaily.com/pictures/341-thiswillhurt.htm)

bluemeanie

9-22-05, 9:14 AM

A guy goes into a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him say 'hello'.
He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do we know eachother?"
To which she replies, "I think that you're the father of one my kids."

Shocked, he thinks back to the only time that he ever recalls cheating on his wife.
"My God... are you that stripper from my Bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery???"

She said "Ahhh No.... I'm your son's teacher.

nhldave

9-24-05, 5:55 PM

Lawyers

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Minnesota. He shot and dropped a
bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As
the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a
duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in
California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Minnesota. We settle small disagreements like this
with the Minnesota Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back
and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work
boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second
kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old
coot.
Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

nhldave

9-24-05, 6:38 PM

Subject: church bulletins

They're Back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services

? The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

? The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."

? Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

? Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

? The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

? Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

? Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

? Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

? For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

? Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

? Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

? The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

? Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

? &nb sp; A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

? At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

? Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

? Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

? Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

? The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

? Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

? The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

? This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

? Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

? The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

? Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

? The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

? Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

? &nb sp; The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
I upped my pledge...up yours.

slapshot™

9-26-05, 6:38 PM

Here are a few chuckles...

OFFICE SLANG

404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, ?404 Not Found,? which means the document requested couldn?t be located. ?Don?t bother asking John. He?s 404.?
Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. ?I dunno, ask Rick. He?s our alpha geek.?

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in ?she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling?

Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in ?Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market?

Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Blowing Your Buffer - Losing one?s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won?t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. ?Damn, I just blew my buffer!? (Synonym: ?Head Crash?)

Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn?t work out obsessively.

Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference. ?After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.?

Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. ?I know you?re busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?? Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. ?I paid three grand for that Mac and now it?s nothing but chip jewelry.?

Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. ?First we gotta figure out if the problem?s in your chips or your salsa.?

CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. ?Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.?

Cobweb - A WWW site that never changes.

Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. ?I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!?

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.....

Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. ?Damn, I?ve been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.?

Dorito Syndrome - The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. ?I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I?ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.?

Egosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one?s own name.

Elvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in ?1993 was Barney the dinosaur?s Elvis year?

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in ?we were so lost in generica that I couldn?t remember what city it was?
Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. ?Didn?t he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing??

Going Postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages

GOOD job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land - The place you go while you?re staring at a computer that?s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). ?That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.?

High Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD

Idea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running.

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

It?s a Feature - From the old adage, ?It?s not a bug, it?s a feature.? Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people?s computer keyboards.

Link Rot - The process by which web page?s links become obsolete as the sites they?re connected to change or die.

Meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also ?carbon community? ?facetime? ?F2F? ?RL?

Mouse Potato - The online generation?s answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you?ve just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perot - To quit unexpectedly. ?My cellular phone just perot?ed.?

Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn?t require training. ?That new guy is totally plug-and-play.?

Prairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what?s going on.

Ribs ?N? Dick - A budget with no fat as in ?we?ve got ribs ?n? dick and we?re supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades?

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. ?God, today was a total salmon day!?

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also ?Hollywired?

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. ?Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage?

Square-Headed Spouse - Computer

Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. ?Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird??

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.

Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. ?There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.?

Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend - One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, ?this is Dale, my...um...friend.?

Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service?s rule of conduct. ?Sorry I couldn?t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.?

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks.

World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.

Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one?s workplace.

Yuppie Food Coupons - Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

charlio lemieux

9-26-05, 8:09 PM

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

:rollover2 :rollover2 :rollover2
I've met some of these people. Nice list.

KB in Kelowna

9-26-05, 9:38 PM

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....

KB in Kelowna

9-26-05, 9:39 PM

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs". 'Beer' is used by female sexual predators at
parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of 'Beer' and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking 'Beer', men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a
longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after 'Beer' is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Pass this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer' and the women administering it..... there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "GOLF COURSES" in the phone book.

butterfly_style

9-27-05, 9:33 AM

Thanks KB, for that warning. . .SIX YEARS TOO LATE!!!!!

KB in Kelowna

9-27-05, 11:13 AM

Thanks KB, for that warning. . .SIX YEARS TOO LATE!!!!!

Just make sure she is not watching over your sholder as you type.

charlio lemieux

9-27-05, 11:17 AM

If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

Stupid man. But funny as hell. :rollover2 :rollover2 :rollover2

a4l

9-27-05, 2:04 PM

Beer has been used on women for centuries. I'm glad it's working in reverse now. :gulppint: :gulppint:

nhldave

9-28-05, 12:29 AM

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

charlio lemieux

9-28-05, 1:10 AM

Ah Doctor Seuss. Green Eggs and Ham was my favorite. Sam I am. ;)

Max Power

9-28-05, 4:02 PM

Probably an old one but...

From a recent Toronto Sun:
Custody Battle Ruling

A seven year old boy from Toronto was at the centre of a courtroom drama
in an Ontario Superior Courthouse this morning when he challenged a court
ruling over who should have legal custody of the juvenile.
The boy has a history of being beaten repeatedly by both parents and
the judge had previously awarded custody to the boy's aunt.

The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and
refused to live there. When the judge then suggested that he be placed
with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him more severely
than anyone. The judge, in an unprecedented ruling, dramatically allowed the
boy, in spite of his youth and obvious inexperience, to make his own
choice as to who should have legal guardianship over him.

In front of a packed and cheering courtroom this morning, custody was
subsequently granted to the TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS as the boy stated his
firm belief that they are, in point of fact, not capable of beating anyone.

...and so it begins.

bluemeanie

9-28-05, 4:24 PM

butterfly_style

9-29-05, 8:18 AM

A lesson in philosophy....

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to
repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him
excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of
your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass
a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student,
let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is
Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is
true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about
to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even
though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third
test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my
student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor
Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and left, ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his
wife.

Madferret

9-29-05, 12:20 PM

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a few puffs.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. The Crocodile looks up and says "Hey!" The Monkey looks down and says..... Duuuuuuude.....how much water did you drink?!!"

Madferret

9-29-05, 12:58 PM

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

LMFAO
Aces Fly..

*wipes tear*

bluemeanie

9-30-05, 3:40 PM

I understand that scissors can beat paper, and I get how rock can beat scissors, but there's no f*ing way paper can beat rock.

Paper is supposed to magically "wrap around" rock, rendering it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors?

Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of paper constantly suffocating fellow employees as they attempt to use the fax machine?

I'll tell you why-- BECAUSE PAPER CAN'T BEAT SQUAT! A rock would tear that sh*t up in 2 seconds.

When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, Oh sh*t, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, a$$h*!#.

Max Power

10-06-05, 3:05 PM

http://www.evolicious.com/evolicious/video/bang.wmv

charlio lemieux

10-06-05, 3:14 PM

http://www.evolicious.com/evolicious/video/bang.wmv

LMFAO
I heard airbags are like a grand to replace. :rollover: :rollover:

Amoroq

10-09-05, 10:39 AM

Go ahead, I dare you to cover this guy on the B Ball court ;)

http://media5.big-boys.com/content/nakedhoops.wmv

charlio lemieux

10-12-05, 12:32 PM

Bush In Hell

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Canucklehead

10-14-05, 3:21 AM

Big Box Mart (http://www.jibjab.com/Movies/BoxMart.aspx)

nhldave

10-14-05, 3:25 AM

Big Box Mart (http://www.jibjab.com/Movies/BoxMart.aspx)

It was on the Tonight Show this evening. Not bad but not up to their classic election stuff.

capebretoncanadien

10-14-05, 5:28 AM

How do you get a hippopotamus into a fridge in three easy steps?

bluemeanie

10-14-05, 12:09 PM

How do you get a hippopotamus into a fridge in three easy steps?

lol, that joke doesn't even need a punch line. Good stuff cbc.

Iced Tea

10-14-05, 4:18 PM

How do you get a hippopotamus into a fridge in three easy steps?My hippopotamus or ex girlfriend as I now call her, really liked food. :D

Step 1: When she asks if she's getting fat, I say "no, your clothes must have shrunk in the clothes dryer". Not that it would have stopped her from raiding my fridge but I liked being nice.

Step 2: She hauls her fat butt to the fridge and opens the door. I mention that the stuff she likes best is way at the back.

Step 3: I sneak up behind her, lean a shoulder into her bulk and give a good shove. Once she's fallen into the fridge, I slam the door shut and use a cucumber to jam the handle. She will never get out of the fridge because a cucumber is a vegetable and vegetables to her are like sunlight to vampires.

Thankfully we broke up before I had to implement Operation Whirlpool. :D

Mel

10-14-05, 4:47 PM

I understand that scissors can beat paper....

LOL :laughing:

Haven't been in this thread in a while. Funny stuff BM.

Mel

10-14-05, 5:08 PM

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a rocking chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

Iced Tea

10-18-05, 7:35 PM

Found the following on Canucks.com's forum,
Cloutier has been the top Consideration for Team Canada At the Next Olympics this up coming winter.

Wayne Gretzky announced Today that Cloutier is the man for Team Canada.

"We really wanted a goalie that would make sure the Olympics wouldn't be a cake walk. We wanted a real challenge since we have such a high powered offence. We wanted to be down in every game and have to claw our way back. The Canucks have to deal with a soft goalie and I want Team Canada to as well."

Cloutier commented earlier this afternoon about the idea.

"I'm totaly choked. I can't believe they would even consider me. Looking at my playoff performances in the past few years, I feel that Canada is making a good choice. I think I have the potential to be the next Potvin or Ron Hextall. Maybe it's just me but I love riding High Scoring Offensive Teams. It makes me look like a decent goaltender."

Markus Naslund Commented about facing his teammate in International Play.

"It's quite simple... Sweden is going to own Canada. Every shot, especially the ones from the invisible Red Line is going to go in. No way is Canada going to repeat."

Todd Bertuzzi Commented afterwards.

"Ugh. I don't even want to play for the team now. I uhhh.... Hurt uhhh.... my uhhhh....Ahhhh forget it. I just don't want to play infront of a choke artist."

Martin Broduer was very upset when interviewed by reporters/

"Now I'm a back up to this clown? I challenge Cloutier anyday, especially in a shoot out. I'd bet he'd let in every single goal. No wonder he is never in an All-Star game with me. Just because he can match me in wins, doesn't mean he is a good goaltender.. . Number One Goaltender my ass... If Luongo or Myself or even Turco or Theodore was on the Canucks, they'd for sure be winning Stanley Cups."

Marc Crawford the head Coach of the Vancouver Canucks made a quick comment also.

"I play Cloutier a lot because I f