Ye Old Joke Thread. [Archive] - Page 2

KB in Kelowna

3-14-06, 10:37 PM

George Carlin's Rules for 2006

* New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's
a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

* New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?

* New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.

* New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

* New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

* New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

* New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is
now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass
will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.

* New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
asshole.

* New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering my PIN, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

* New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

* New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing
that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

* New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

* New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex
a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the
idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

* New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

* New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.

* New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know
in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place..."

Actually I found these in an email and it appears most of them are lifted from Bill Maher's book "New Rules" and not George Carlin.

a4l

3-15-06, 12:41 AM

For a good laugh go here
http://rickmercer.blogspot.com/

J.R.

3-15-06, 1:24 AM

Too funny, George Carlin. Thanks KB!

charlio lemieux

3-26-06, 1:46 AM

A reminder of Katrina. They are still suffering.

Warning coarse language (http://www.mediabum.com/html/A-Squirrel-Reporting-On-Katrina.html)

Thanks for the reminder Foamy.

Amoroq

3-26-06, 5:18 PM

The short version of Scarface.

http://www.alldumb.com/item/25006/

Warning, Coarse Language.

charlio lemieux

3-27-06, 12:52 AM

The short version of Scarface.

http://www.alldumb.com/item/25006/

Warning, Coarse Language.

:rollover2:
What the F, was that F'n thing supposed to F'n be F'n talking about? :D

Max Power

4-03-06, 1:37 PM

Fox news at it's best
http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1143901696/The_Daily_Show_-_Spring_Break_Serial_Killer

Or should I say Faux News

--Add

I thought I'd add this little Faux News beauty from the king of propagandistic nonsense himself O'Reily. Worth the laugh
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=562681745&n=2

charlio lemieux

4-03-06, 11:39 PM

Hehehe
Good stuff Max!

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating his Christmas Pie
He stuck in his thumb
and pulled out a plum
and said " Holy S#!T, am I high!"
-George Carlin

"Hansel and Grettel found the Cottage made of candy,
about a half an hour after finding the magic mushroom patch."
- George Carlin

KB in Kelowna

4-04-06, 11:23 AM

Fox news at it's best
http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1143901696/The_Daily_Show_-_Spring_Break_Serial_Killer

Or should I say Faux News

Well the bikini girls were fair and there was a balance between the T and the A. :laughing:

PDO

4-17-06, 12:20 AM

KB in Kelowna

4-17-06, 4:11 PM

Company Policy Changes
=======================

The following policy changes will go into effect immediately.

Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need
a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do
not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to
come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture
will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category."

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under
the company's mental health policy.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
or input should be directed elsewhere.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

charlio lemieux

4-17-06, 6:02 PM

While watching the hockey the other night my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and relying on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Some days I hate being married to a smart *****

Haha Good one.

My wife and I were discussing what would happen should we ever break up. I told her that I had already decided we would divide everything equally. That's why I bought a chainsaw.

nhldave

4-19-06, 10:49 PM

Amoroq

4-28-06, 8:01 AM

Rained-out Fishing Story:

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that ":laughing: :laughing:

Do you find that traffic is down at your site? Has your hit counter stopped working? Well a new and amazing way to direct traffic to your site has been developed. http://www.hockeyforums.com/images/smilies/smile.gif

http://www.helpwinthisbet.com/404 (http://www.helpwinthisbet.com/404)

Amoroq

5-04-06, 7:34 AM

Australian Medical Association researchers have made a
remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may
benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know?

bluemeanie

5-11-06, 3:50 PM

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"...Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq
today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries
his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's
terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian'?"

KB in Kelowna

6-09-06, 8:42 PM

An Oilers fan, a Flames fan and a Canucks fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Canucks fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Canucks fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Flames fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Flames fan out crying like a little girl.

The Oilers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal hockey fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Oilers fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Flames fan to my back."

--

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?"

The man answers "241."

"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" the lady answers, "144."

"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" the man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout those Leafs?"

Amoroq

6-09-06, 8:48 PM

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?"

The man answers "241."

"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" the lady answers, "144."

"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" the man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout those Leafs?"Hardy har har!! :laughing: :laughing:

a4l

6-20-06, 12:11 AM

I got this in an email and thought it might cheer up all of those who are disappointed with the stanley Cup results.

This test is based on how cool you were in High School and what crowd
you ran with, etc................., but it's still pretty accurate by
today's standards.

LET'S SEE; ARE YOU STILL A COOL PERSON?

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm

Amoroq

6-27-06, 1:11 PM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v142/Amoroq/image0001.jpg

nhldave

7-09-06, 4:44 PM

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar.

There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, When suddenly the Irishman cried out

"My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table .

The Irishman calls out, "Hey! you!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.
"Yes, I am Jesus" he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you
to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his
table.

Jesus looks over, raises his gla ss, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir but would you
be Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, this the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?"

Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.

"Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock.

"By jove", he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face. The Aussie whispers.

"Back off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"

KB in Kelowna

7-19-06, 5:26 PM

My previous car - Volvo S40 - according to the owner's manual said that it's gas tank capacity was 14 gallons, but every time I went to fill it up, even if it was very close to empty I could only fill it with 11.5 gallons (and no there was not a 2.5 gallon reservoir). After becoming frustrated about this I went back to the dealer and asked the sales guy who sold me the car how come I could only put 11.5 gallons in a supposedly 14 gallon tank? This is was his answer, and I quote - "What grade of gas are you putting in?" Yes, they do walk among us.....

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution... They Walk Among Us!

====================
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said.."where???" They Walk among us!!
====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!!

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . They Walk Among Us!!!

====================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". They Walk Among Us!!!!

====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk Among Us!!!!!

====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!

====================

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!

====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

====================

They walk among us, AND reproduce!

butterfly_style

7-24-06, 11:09 AM

Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.

Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... Two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . So you are telling me I shouldn't go
out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

charlio lemieux

8-13-06, 11:13 PM

My wife is thinking of getting a new cell phone.
I don't know if this is the model she should get or not. Not what I would want for myself, but eh? To each their own.

Should I show her this commercial (http://media.putfile.com/NiewModelNokia)or what?

KB in Kelowna

8-16-06, 9:45 PM

May 30
Just moved to THE SUNNY OKANAGAN. NOW THIS IS THE PLACE TO LIVE.
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is
beautiful.
I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of
cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn
for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people
get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But
getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got third degree burns over
60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I
learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like
this.

July 20
I missed Casey (my cat) sneaking into my car when I left this
morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Casey had died
and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stunk up the upholstery.
The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though.
No more pets in this heat.

July 25
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer. And it's
hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C
repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order
parts.

July 30
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. A
$400,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

August 4
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It
cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid city.

August 8
If another wise-ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell liked baked cat!!

August 9
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat
on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of
flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells
like burnt hair, fried ass and baked cat.

August 10
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny!
Hot and sunny! Hot and sunny! It's been too hot to do **** for 2 damn
months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this desert? Water rationing will be next, so my
$1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus
can't live in this damn heat.

August 14
Welcome to HELL!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to
fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1500
to bail me out of jail. Freaking OKANAGAN!! What kind of sick demented
idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial went.

KB in Kelowna

8-21-06, 6:17 PM

a funny parody song and cartoon:
http://www.atomfilms.com/af/content/cheney_gun

charlio lemieux

9-02-06, 4:14 PM

Watch your Toodles. (http://media.putfile.com/Machine-Gun-Granny)

charlio lemieux

9-02-06, 10:03 PM

dumb ass bass (http://www.killsometime.com/animations/animation.asp?ID=40)

charlio lemieux

9-14-06, 1:07 AM

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

MadDevil

9-14-06, 1:16 AM

Charles Wang. Need I say more?

butterfly_style

9-15-06, 10:43 AM

Performance improvement strategies

I'm sure you will all agree...

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount and get a different horse."

However, in government, education and corporate Canada, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course....

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Amoroq

10-04-06, 9:28 AM

I can't find the Leafs joke of the day and I have found a good one. Nice to see some creativity for a change!

The Toronto Maple Leafs have a small Peca

charlio lemieux

10-04-06, 10:17 AM

I have a good leafs joke.

Half of the ******* LINE-UP! :eek:

KB in Kelowna

11-11-06, 10:01 PM

A cowboy walked into a drug store in Texas and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and as
she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help him.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems
and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for
it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister"

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is as follows: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company
pick-up, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

slapshot™

12-03-06, 1:32 AM

Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay.But first he must find a job.
He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone.

But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.
"See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The Newfie promptly answers,"Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce he? And she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'ER." The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road.
He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class."Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?"

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says,"A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at MOS'." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?"

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
"Dat's DA front a' dat tree fer sure." the Newfie states, cocksure. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How do you know that's the front of the tree?"

The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a crap behind it he?." He got the job and is now the foreman.

KB in Kelowna

12-07-06, 8:32 PM

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet" she replied.

charlio lemieux

1-19-07, 8:49 PM

40 Short Lawyer Jokes

Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start!

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.

Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?

Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.

Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1. Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2. Take your foot off his head.

Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.

Q. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1. Back over him to make sure.
A2. Make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of sh*t?
A. The bucket.

Q. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A. When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q. What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A. There was an empty seat.

Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.

Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A. An offer you can't understand.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q. What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A. A hooker will stop ******* you when you're dead.

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.

Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A. Deep down their good.

Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.

Q. Why are lawyers great in bed?
A. They get so much practice screwing people.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are not real.

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

charlio lemieux

1-19-07, 8:51 PM

Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! 'But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Amoroq

1-20-07, 7:54 AM

I like escalators, they can't break down. They can only become stairs. Escalator temporarily stairs, sorry for the convenience.

charlio lemieux

3-15-07, 7:34 PM

Hear about the cold snap in Edmonton?

Ya, it's -94. :rolleyes:

KB in Kelowna

3-15-07, 9:00 PM

Hear about the cold snap in Edmonton?

Ya, it's -94. :rolleyes:
I guess it is -67 in Toronto:wicked:

charlio lemieux

3-15-07, 11:17 PM

YA and absolute 0 in Vancouver. :D

KB in Kelowna

3-16-07, 12:38 AM

YA and absolute 0 in Vancouver. :D
Zing!:laughing:

Sorry about that one Charlio it was just a fat hanging curve over the plate, I had to swing at it.;)

charlio lemieux

3-16-07, 2:00 PM

Well we're having a parade down Yonge St. this year no matter what. Whether it is to celebrate the cup( doubtful) or to mourn the 40 year anniversary(probably) it will happen. :D

KB in Kelowna

4-14-07, 2:22 PM

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed
computer chips that can store and play music inside
women's breasts.
The iBoob is considered to be a major breakthrough,
because women are always complaining about men
staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.

Therapist_Joe

4-15-07, 1:02 AM

http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/8813/dumbomgvu8.jpg

Not exactly a joke, but heh :laughing:

KB in Kelowna

5-01-07, 7:41 PM

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two
kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

Iced Tea

5-10-07, 12:40 AM

Received this joke in an email

Making a baby this is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted:laughing: